Staying in control

Yesterday the boys and I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. "Deep cleaning," "spring cleaning," whatever you want to call it. Maybe it's stuff you do all the time, but I'm grateful when I just get the laundry and toys put away and the kitchen cleaned, the floors vacuumed, etc. So cleaning baseboards and walls and sweeping under all the couches constitutes deep cleaning for me.

There are moments the next day you wonder why you bothered, since it gets dirty again soon...but you feel better knowing that for a few days at least the couches are clean, even if you can't see them.

I think, too, that during a week when it feels like everything is out of my control, from the happenings in Japan and Libya and my husband's job situation at least my little household space was something I could control. If only for a day. Joseph is actually a great cleaner and helper and a fun companion. Theo- well, it's a little harder since I'm trying to keep him out of the cleaning supplies. But we manage.

Do you feel like things are out of your control? What do you do to keep some sense of balance in your life?

Music, tears and being carried by angels

Even though we didn't take any trips this summer it felt incredibly busy. I think a good summary would be, preparing for an activity, doing the activity and then spending a few days recovering from the activity!
I got called to be 1st counselor in the Young Women Presidency a couple of months ago. Surprised? I was, too. I love it but it's so busy. I want to do my best and get a little overwhelmed at times.

Warren and I joined the youth for a day up in the mountains near Lake Arrowhead for youth conference. Our whole family went up to Idyllwild in the mountains to join the girls for a day of girls camp. We've also had a bunch of visitors, overnight guests and dinners with friends who were moving. We spent long afternoons talking to two of our dear friends, both moving to new States. It got late both times, but it was too hard to say goodbye.

Then there have been library programs, home organization, trying to encourage productivity in the kids and simply taking care of a home and children, including a baby and all that comes with that. I'm exhausted.

Things were going well, but yesterday it all crashed. A few things led up to the "crash." One of them was a visit from a dear friend from BYU days and another was an email from a friend from BYU days. They both mentioned in one form or another music, Warren singing or me playing the piano. That's how they knew us and remember us. That's indeed who we were. But somewhere between kids and church callings and keeping a house going music got a little lost along the way. We rarely sing (probably mainly for family night), Warren never plays guitar and I never play piano any more. My clavinova is completely dusty. The only keyboard touching I do is every other week when I play the organ for church. Sad. I know. I'm not sure how this happened.

I told Warren to bring the guitar up to girls camp. He played a couple of songs for the girls from our college days. It was so nice to hear. Yesterday I decided I should get my music out, too. I got out one of my favorite musicals "The Secret Garden" and played most of the score. During the first song I started crying. I kept playing and crying. It was like I was reviving a part of me that had died somewhere along the way. I played a couple of songs from the broadway version of "Beauty and the Beast." I had a really special musical experience with the song "Home" during my BYU days that I like remembering. After I played I went outside and sat on our swing and just kept crying. It just needed to come out.

I'm having a hard time putting everything that I was feeling/thinking into words. It's hard that something that was such a huge part of me isn't any more. I'm not sure why it got lost. I'm not sure how all my musician friends from college have incorporated music into their lives. I know I need to play more though. I guess it's like lacking a part of your nutrition, but not realizing it. I used to get some music at least during our weekly kids "music makers" class. But since I moved here I haven't even had that in my life. I'll have to do something about it.

On a different note, the other day as I was saying goodbye to my mom over skype she said: "remember that angels are holding you up." It really hit me that I have been carried by angels during these months when I probably don't realize it. I have been surviving for months on way too little sleep and have managed to stay healthy and (until last night) not cry over life's challenges. When we stay healthy we probably don't appreciate the blessing it really is because we just expect and assume our normal state of being should be to be healthy. But given my history (after Joseph was born I had more sick days than healthy days in the first few months) it really is a miracle that I've been surviving this well. And even though I wonder how it's all going to work out with Warren's job search, I know that it will work out. It just has too. Normally my personality would be to worry and fret about it much more. But I have been fine. I'm being carried by angels.

Well, that's the update for now. Not sure if anyone missed me, but I'm back nonetheless. I've had other things on my mind that I want to write about, but when the baby is sleeping the choice is always: clean up, read scriptures, write or simply nap! Needless to say, writing hasn't made it to the top of the list very often. Hope it's not so long until next time. Stay in touch! Hope you're having a great summer.

Love,

Dorothea

To every thing there is a season

A blogging friend of mine wrote a good post about seasons of life the other day. Sometimes the season of life we are in is very distinct, like living in part of the country where you have a clear spring, summer, fall and winter. Sometimes seasons of life are a little more blurred, like living in California, where you have seasons, but it can be a little harder to notice the change in seasons.

Right now I'm in the very distinct newborn mommy-hood season among other things.
My season is a season of changing diapers, nursing, fighting headaches and exhaustion, doing loads of laundry and just trying to keep the kids fed and happy. It is a season of faith as we continue to wait with patience for the right job for Warren. It is a season of focusing on the very basic elements of life: food, sleep, clean clothes and some basic clean up (sometimes!). There isn't any room for crafts, going the extra mile, signing up to do things at school or church etc. etc. That will all come again. The only reason I'm even writing this is that it is therapeutic and I need a few minutes of peace and time to ponder, even though I should be sleeping...

I think that despite the challenge of a new baby, I also realize and cherish this season for all of the sweet moments, the cute faces, the coos and little smiles, the soft skin, the complete trust your newborn has in you and the closeness you feel to heaven.

Every season has it's challenges, but every season is beautiful, especially, as Jodi put it on her blog, if you are dressed appropriately for the weather. Right now I'm "dressed" in prayers, faith, caring friends who ask how I'm doing, people who bring a meal or a loaf of bread or a plate of brownies, supportive family members and lots of gratitude for the good things in my life.

I hope you're enjoying the beauty of the season you're in. It won't last forever. Be grateful for it now.

Forgiving ourselves

Here in Southern California we had a wonderful Stake Conference weekend. It was a satellite broadcast from Salt Lake City, something that doesn't happen very frequently and included 88 Stakes. I enjoyed knowing that my friends all over So. Cal were listening to the same talks that I was and sharing the same wonderful spirit.

Our speakers included Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. All of the talks were uplifting and inspiring. I have chosen to share some of my personal notes with you that I took while listening to Elder Holland speak. Please note that these are my own notes, and even though I was trying to write down his words, I will not have the ability to check my notes against his actual words since we don't get a written copy like we do at General Conference.

Elder Holland asked us to resolve this year to be more forgiving. Of ourselves and of others.
Under the point forgiving ourselves, here are my notes:

"Please forgive yourself. I don't know why we're so hard on ourselves. Resolve some of the issues once and for all and move on with our lives. The kinds of things that are "dumb" things. Things we wish we didn't do, (hadn't done) and keep brow beating ourselves over. Keep working, praying, and striving to be better, but don't keep berating yourself. It has an unwholesome effect on you and those around you. Don't be so hard on yourself.
Every good thing you have ever done pleases God. You're striving to be what Heavenly Father wants you to be. It's a delight to him (that you are striving) and it should be to you as well. The scriptures say "I the Lord remember them [our sins] no more." And neither should we.
Move on, move up, be kind to yourselves."
(end of my notes)

I particularly enjoyed this talk because this is something I have been working on for years. I think I have made some progress. I think as I learn to let go of things I wish I hadn't done or done differently I free up my energy for more important tasks... things in the present that matter NOW. Yes, we need to keep trying to be better, but I got the message from Elder Holland that we need to find more joy in the small, yet consistent progress we are making day to day. Forgive yourself of your shortcomings and delight in the wonderful good that is YOU!

We will be more effective men and women, mothers and fathers, spouses and community leaders if we have all of our positive energy to put into the present instead of worrying about the past. I believe we will feel more peace in our lives and be happier if we forgive ourselves.

I look forward to putting this principle into practice even more this coming year.
I hope you will, too.

There's no one like you

This might be a strange post to make public, but I'm going to do so anyway. Before I ever became a "blogger" I didn't enjoy reading other people's blogs very much because it always made me feel inadequate as a mother. Everyone seemed to be doing more stuff with their kids, and activities I would never have thought of on my own. But after I started blogging myself I realized that I actually do a lot of wonderful things with my kids. It helped to have a record of what I've done.

But then I got to know the huge world of blogging that is out there and different famous bloggers. I had no idea about giveaways, contests, followers, sponsors, etc. I had no idea how extensive of a world blogging had become. As I blog-hopped and read things here and there, it could have been easy to once again become overwhelmed, or jealous. Jealous of people's writing ability, of their talents with crafts, fashion, design, etc. etc. And although I will often come across a style of writing and say, "oh, I like how they write" or I'll come across some really cool ideas that I would never have thought of, I've realized that I haven't been overwhelmed by it all. The other day it just struck me: even though I like things other people do and the things I can learn from them, I really like myself just the way I am! Don't get me wrong, there are qualities I'm working on improving and things I would like to be better at. But in connection to my last post about pace, I think as I get to know myself better I have been more accepting of myself and realizing that I really like myself. I'm comfortable with my goals, my family life, my hopes and dreams. I don't mean this in a prideful way. Of course there are things I want to do better. But I feel like I know the path that I am on and can see where it is leading me, and I like my path. This doesn't mean I won't have hard times again or times when I get down on myself. I think we all do. But for right now, I feel blessed to have found some peace.

There are so many blogs out there where women are self-deprecating. So in the Spirit of Christmas, which includes being kind, even to ourselves, I decided to post these thoughts in public in the hopes that maybe someone who reads this will focus on the good in themselves.

My own pace

I started this post twice but was distracted, so it wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to. At the same time it helped me "write out my feelings" in a journalistic type way. So, I'm just going to post a summary of my thoughts, because I think the topic is still worth posting about.

Pace.

I'm learning more and more that I have my own pace. I need to feel okay about saying no to an activity if I don't have the energy. I don't have to volunteer for everything. It's okay if I'm in my pyjamas till noon, especially if it's because I was playing cars and blocks and puzzles with my two year old. It's okay that my kids aren't enrolled in every extra curricular activity under the sun (they're only 2 and 6 you're saying..but have you heard what the other moms with kids those ages are out there doing? People I KNOW and associate with). It's okay that I need a lot of rest right now. It's okay that I wake up, get my daughter ready for school and go back to bed, even if it means turning on 4 episodes of Little Einsteins for my son.

It's okay.

It's all okay.

I have to have my own pace, understand my own body and not worry that the weeds aren't pulled, the laundry isn't folded, my desk is messy and and and. Of course I'd love to have a perfectly clean house, I know it would make me feel better. But I have my own pace and I have to live with myself and THAT is THAT.

How Firm a Foundation

How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

Hymn No. 85, LDS Hymnbook

Text: Attr. to Robert Keen, ca. 1787. Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.

Music: Attr. to J. Ellis, ca. 1889

I have been thinking about this hymn a lot lately. I love the poetry. I love the imagery. I love that it is a reminder that Christ will not forsake us. Today I was particularly struck by verse 5:

"The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

I hope I can learn from my difficult times and become a more refined individual. Sometimes I'm not sure that I'm making it, but I'm trying. Sometimes that's all we have to give.

Just keep trying.

Being Strong

A little while ago I was talking to friend who underwent an extremely difficult trial last year. She said her mom would often say to her something along the lines of: “You can get through this, you’re a strong person.” She said she got tired of hearing that she was strong because she didn’t feel strong. It made me think. What does it mean to be strong. When are you truly strong? Do you ever know if you are strong?

I looked into the scriptures a little bit. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, strength as described in the scriptures is probably the opposite of what the world would say. I think the world would classify being strong as being able to handle something yourself. That might be an oversimplification, but I think there is truth to it. If you’re strong you get through things without having to ask for help, without complaining and without showing any weakness to those around you. In the scriptures I discovered that we are strong precisely when we acknowledge our weakness, when we turn to the one person who is truly strong, the Savior. We become strong in Him. We become strong when we are humble, when we admit that we can’t do it on our own. In fact, when we accept that we not only can’t but shouldn’t go the road alone is when we truly start to become strong.

Ether 12:27 speaks of weak things becoming strong.

“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”

Moroni writes here about how weaknesses make us humble and then by turning to Christ in faith we become strong. It is interesting to me that the Lord says that we are purposefully given weaknesses in effect to finally become strong jointly with Christ.

As it states in Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Another scripture that has always caught my attention is Helaman 3:35.

“Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.”

It always struck me how someone could wax stronger in humility. But I think it goes along with the scriptures I have already quoted. If you are turning to Christ in faith and humility since he is by your side you become a stronger person. You are strong because you realize your dependence on him and his ability to help you.

Doctrine and Covenants 1:28 is yet another example of this: “And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge from time to time.”

I think it is our tendency as mature individuals to want to do things on our own. It is very evident that it is part of human nature as I watch my two year old who is trying to do anything himself that he is capable of and even some things he isn’t. I think there is a natural inclination as adults not to want to rely on others, not to be a burden, a bother. It’s not just for appearances, I think we really want to be strong, be independent, to feel a sense of personal accomplishment. We want to feel: I managed on my own. But the irony is that we can’t truly become strong until we are relying on the Lord. For me personally it plays out this way. I go along my merry way, trying to accomplish all the things I have set out for myself. It is usually more than I can possibly do. Plus life throws a few things into the mix. Church callings, family members with trials, sickness, parenthood, the desire to be a perfect friend, daughter, mother, wife... Suddenly I feel very weak. I feel inadequate to handle what life is throwing at me. It is during these moments that I have several choices. I can get depressed and very discouraged about my inabilities to manage life, or I can turn to Christ, give Him my burdens, humble myself, ask for help and let him comfort me and lift me back to a place where I can cope. It doesn’t change the events that are going on, but somehow by humbling myself and asking for help I become stronger. I have experienced both sides, the depression and the turning to the Lord and a combination of the two. Sometimes I remember where to turn on my own. Most often a loving husband or friend gently reminds me where to go for help.

This quote from a woman I love comes from a slightly different context, but is still applicable here: “The distance between the regret of wishing I hadn't done or said a thing, and the time I turn my heart toward the Lord is getting shorter.”
I hope that as my life progresses the distance between the time I try to do things on my own strength and the time I turn my heart toward the Lord and let him help me carry my burdens will get shorter. I hope I will “always remember Him” (Moroni 4:3) and remember to rely on him. I do want to make it clear here that I’m not talking about taking away individuality, or removing one’s ability to make decisions and choices and have personal creative space. But I am talking about turning to the Lord in humility and faith through weaknesses and trials.

And so to my dear friend who didn’t feel strong. I believe very deeply that you are strong. You went through one of life’s most difficult trials. And from everything I know about you, you have turned to the Lord throughout it all. Not only that, but you have chosen to teach your children to turn to the Lord.
And He will make you and your family strong.

“...And because thou hast seen thy weakness thou shalt be made strong, even unto the sitting down in the place which I have prepared in the mansions of my Father.”
Ether 12: 37

The Girl I Mean To Be

I need a place where I can go
Where I can whisper what I know
Where I can whisper who I like
and where I go to see them.

I need a place where I can hide
Where no one sees my life inside
Where I can make my plans and write them down so I can read them.

A place where I can bid my heart be still,
and it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost,
and there I'll find me.

I need a place to spend the day
Where no one says to go or stay
Where I can take my pen and draw the girl I mean to be.

from The Secret Garden
Lyrics by Marsha Norman
Music by Lucy Simon

Writing and Emily of New Moon

"Emily, why do you want to write? Give me your reason."
"I want to be famous and rich," said Emily coolly.
"Everybody does. Is that all?"
"No. I just love to write."
"A better reason-but not enough-not enough. Tell me this-if you knew you would be poor as a church mouse all your life-if you knew you'd never have a line published-would you still go on writing-would you?"
"Of course I would," said Emily disdainfully. "Why, I have to write-I can't help it by times-I've just got to."

from Emily of New Moon by L. M. Montgomery

This is just one of the reasons I love Emily. I have always had a need to write. Mostly this need has been fulfilled by writing journal entries. Blogging has been a good outlet, but I don't feel as free as I do in my journal. Having children has kept me busier and writing less. Sometimes I read other bloggers who say they have been having writers block. I don't feel like that is the case with me. Usually the problem is finding the peace of mind to sit down and write. Sometimes the need to write it out builds up and up until I'm aching to write. I've had a couple topics on my mind doing that to me lately, but I've wanted to do them justice so I haven't sat down to write about them yet.

Switching back to Emily, I haven't found very many people who grew up reading Emily of New Moon and the other two books in the sequel. They were my absolute favorite book series as a young teenager. Warren and I even read them out loud to each other when we first got married. I wanted him to understand a deep part of me. I just reread the first one with an online book club last month. I have grown up a lot since I first read those books at age 14. I have a different perspective on them now, but I still love them. They're not for everyone. I don't think anyone I have recommended them to has fallen in love with them. That's okay. They're a part of me and I don't have to be like anyone else. I won't stop recommending them though. Someday, somebody will be glad I did.
A couple last thoughts.
One of my favorite descriptions of death comes from this book.
Emily and Anne are very different characters and I identify more with Emily than with Anne. Anne was entertaining, but I connected with Emily on a deeper level.
I love the narrative of the story, how Montgomery uses Emily's letters to her deceased father to tell part of the story.
Enough for tonight. I have more writing to do in another place, on another topic. Till next time, adieu.

It's only money

Today I started backing up out of the parking lot when I heard a big "crunch."

I hate that sound when you're in the car.

I had forgotten to load my stroller back in the car and had driven onto it. It took three guys and a crate to delicately maneuver me off of the stroller while trying to do minimal damage to the stroller and no damage to the car (we hoped).

It happened because I loaded four humongous bags of compost into my trunk, well, the Lowe's guy did the loading and even he commented "wow, these are heavy-did you lift them onto the cart yourself?" Yes, I did... anyway, back to the story. I took the stroller out so we could load them. We even talked about the stroller and how he had the same brand. He shut the trunk and said, you're all set, have a nice day, and without further ado I got back in my car and started to drive.

Considering the big crunch it made I got off pretty lucky. We think we can bend it back into place. And wash off the tire marks on the metal and the canopy.

I didn't take it too well initially though, and drove to Costco in tears. I got in line at the gas station-the two pumps were in use in the line I chose- and turned around to give my crying child a snack. I turned back to the front to notice a guy just pulling into the front pump. I couldn't believe it. I was in line, I had hardly been turned around for a few seconds, it should have been obvious I was in line and just helping my kid, and this guy just chose to completely ignore me and cut in front of me. In the crushed stroller state of mind I was in I didn't take it too well. I had my response ready for when I finally got my turn and got out of my car. He was still in front of me, but I held my tongue and only gave him half an evil eye.

After shopping at Costco I came out and looked at my tire which looked like it was going flat. Great. The one where I had run over the stroller. In more tears I drove to the tire place (I had to get back to pick Rebecca up from the bus) but in the end he thought it might just be low. He filled it up and told me to keep an eye on it.

This story leads me to something I've been wanting to write about for awhile now. One of my biggest personality challenges. I don't take my own mistakes very well. Especially when they involve things that cost money to fix. (Things that can't be fixed with money are a topic in themselves-for another day.)

For example, nothing drives me more crazy than a lost library book. I try to tell myself, it's only money, but that doesn't help. (Luckily I've found them all so far and haven't had to pay for one yet.) Or the time I broke some little piece off my brand new expensive paper cutter. Or mail in rebates we forget to mail in.

I get frustrated with the things the kids do to hurt the house/furniture/etc., but not anywhere nearly as badly as the things I mess up myself. In my mind I should be above silly mistakes and accidents. It's a very uptight part of myself and one I'm not happy with or proud of and one I'm trying to work with, but it's very very hard for me. I know there are things in our lives which are out of our control, but the things in my control I feel like I shouldn't be messing up. Like putting a stroller down and while doing it thinking: I shouldn't be putting this on the ground, I might forget it!

Luckily I have a husband who listens, who never gets mad about me breaking/ruining/losing ANYTHING. I don't think I could do anything wrong in his eyes in that department.
He's a gem.

One piece of advice that I tried to use today with another incident was something along these lines: if it's not something that will be a serious concern for you in ten years, why worry about it now. It helped somewhat. Does anyone have any other good ideas? HELP!

A thought for today

As you create a home, don't get distracted with a lot of things that have no meaning for either you or your family. Don't dwell on your failures, but think about your successes.

~Marjorie Pay Hinckley
(from 'Small and Simple Things')

High-Low and How are you?

I used to teach piano to a family in LA. On occasion Rebecca and I would stay and have dinner with them. They had a tradition around the dinner table. Everyone would go around and say their "High-Low" for the day. What was their high point? What was their low point? It was good food for conversation and helped include everyone in the family in the discussion, no matter what their age. I really liked this idea and once in awhile I remember to do it with Rebecca.

The other day we were walking home and out of the blue she asked me, "Mom, what was your high/low today?" It made my heart melt. She really wanted to know. It really makes me happy when someone calls or sees me and asks "how are you?" and really wants to know. I realize we use the phrase 'how are you' in America as a standard greeting and don't expect a truthful answer, and I've come to accept that. But if you ever want to do a nice thing for me, just ask me, with sincerity, how I'm doing and it'll make my day!

Gratitude and happiness

I know I might be sounding like a broken record, but I can't get this post out of my head so I need to write it down for the world to read and then go back to living it in my own life.
I've been thinking a lot about trials (as any of you following my blog will know) and about frustrations, big and small on a daily basis. I've also thought a lot about what a friend of mine once said, you can't be grateful and unhappy at the same time. There is a lot of truth in that.

Any time I have been getting frustrated about just about anything lately I have tried to find something to be grateful for. And it has really worked. I have been more positive, calmer on the inside and truly more happy about life. I'm not saying there aren't appropriate times of mourning and disappointment, hurt or anger, but overall I do think it is too easy to get into a rut of complaining, being frustrated and seeing the greener grass on the other side. The grass will always be greener on one side. But it will always be browner on the other side. And if you can remember that things could always be worse you can usually find something to be grateful for.

At first I had to force myself to find things to be grateful for when I was getting really upset. Over time it is becoming easier. I have had a beautiful, peaceful month and have found a lot to be grateful for. There is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.

Take my friend Devon for example. Her adorable little boy has a rare neuromuscular disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy with Respiratory Distress (SMARD). With it come many frustrations, I am sure. Probably disappointments and hurt, too, as she watches him struggle with this physical disease. Yet, she is able to look for and find the beauty in her life as she wrote the other day about all the things she loves about her sweet son. It is such a touching entry I had to share. She is an inspiration.

Marjorie P. Hinckley writes:

'A grateful heart will give you a touch of refinement that can come in no other way.
I went to high school during the days of the famous Depression. It was a miserable experience. But, in a way, I wish you could have been there with us. Somehow it helped me to appreciate much more the prosperity we now enjoy. I know some of you think you are on a tight budget, and you are. I am glad if you are. But it is a tight budget because you have nothing else to compare with it. It isn't your fault that you have had three square meals a day, most every day of your life. It isn't your fault that you have never been hungry in your life. It isn't your fault that somehow or other you have always been able to get a new pair of shoes, whether you needed them or not. It isn't your fault that you have at least five or six changes of clothing in your crowded closets. But all of this makes it doubly hard for you to be truly grateful.

And when you finally develop a little gratitude in your heart, make up your mind to express it. "Appreciation unexpressed is not appreciation." If you can't find someone to say thank you to for something, just take a look at your toothbrush and say, "Thank you for being. You are a wonderful little gadget."

"Thank you" is a wonderful phrase. Use it. It will add stature to your soul. Never let a day go by without saying thank you to someone for something-and especially to your Heavenly Father.'

(from "Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley" pg. 90-91)

There are so many things I am grateful for right now but I'm not going to start a list tonight. My November posts from last year have a whole bunch of them. I wrote those to help me through a tough time. Right now I'm grateful that I've been getting better at being grateful. I hope it sticks with me!

Finding joy in the moment

Last week I felt strong. Warren was out of town for four days for his Grandmother's funeral in Provo. I was working hard on my gratitude, my love of life, my charity for my children (translation: extra amounts of patience) and just doing everything at home that needed to be done.
I kept the house running, I fed my kids, I even had a nice long playdate with feeding the gang dinner at the end since neither of our husbands were home. I accompanied a French Horn concerto at the High Priest Group dinner Saturday night. My kids were the only kids at this event and were running around the church building like crazy. That was about the worst thing that happened the whole time Warren was gone (which really isn't bad at all). I was in control and I felt good.
Then Warren came home and I tanked. Pathetic, I know, four days by myself and I'm exhausted.
I woke up this morning not feeling so strong anymore, feeling overwhelmed by the chores of daily life, all the things I want to do, etc etc. The usual. Housework is never ending.

But in stead of cleaning the kitchen I played with my son this morning. Literally played. Normally I cheat. I start the game with my kids and then with some stealth work on cleaning up something in their room or elsewhere if I can sneak out. But today I just sat there and played blocks. Stacked them, let him knock them over, praise him as he stacked them himself. It brought me joy.

The themes running through my head lately are simplification, focusing on what really matters, enjoying the moment, loving the time I have with my kids, gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Oh and btw, I'm really enjoying my "parenting approach" to the Book of Mormon. I'm excited to share some of my thoughts but I'll get there eventually.

Well, now that I've taken some time for myself, while the little guy is still sleeping, maybe I should go do some cleaning because although it's not the most important thing, it still needs to be done....
But the final words today from a woman much wiser than myself:

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."
- Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Looking at the cup half full this time

First of all thank you to all my friends who wrote such nice comments and didn't disown me and point out how pathetic I might have sounded in my last post.
Secondly, sometimes it helps to get through a rough spot by writing it out. I feel better now that I got it all out in writing.
Third, change has never been easy for me. That might be surprising to some considering I've had to deal with so much change my whole growing up, but it doesn't make it any easier. Having said that, it doesn't mean I don't want change or appreciate change, it's just not easy for me. I think sometimes people equate 'change not being easy' with 'wanting everything to stay the same all the time'. That's not true. I do appreciate change, it just takes me time to digest it.

Since I was in my glass half empty mode writing that last post I'll do a glass half full post just to balance things out.
There have been a few people who were especially kind to us during these last few months at church. Especially with the whole funeral we received much support for the service and at the family dinner beforehand. We also received a few meals brought to our home when we first moved in, and I have had people tell me how much they appreciate my musical skills-how much they are needed here. The Bishop and his wife have been total angels. They let us use their laundry before we had ours delivered and they have been kind beyond measure. One lady gave me a copy of a book of organ music composed by her mother.
You're probably reading all of this and thinking: "Dorothea-what is your problem!" I don't know, just change. I'm feeling better already. Like I said, it feels good to write.

I guess the integrating into a new ward thing will happen slowly, almost unnoticed.
I agree with Rozanne, my time to feel comfortable here will come slowly but surely...it always does. And Lenna, it most definitely is a culture shock even though it is 45 minutes away!!! You would think after the various cultures I have lived in or visited extensively-Germany to England, France, Switzerland... I wouldn't think LA/Santa Monica to La Mirada/Buena Park would be such a big change, but I'm a sensitive person and even subtleties are big differences to me.
I'm feeling more at home grocery shopping, driving around, with the school routine etc. But church is only once a week, so I haven't had as many opportunities to get totally comfortable with it yet. But it will come. Now that I think about it I remember some of you who have moved away from SM2 and had a hard time with your new wards. That makes me feel better.
SM2 certainly wasn't perfect-no ward is. But with time you come to love the people you serve and worship with week after week. One of the greatest things that has happened to me in this new ward is co-teaching the 12 year old Sunday School class with Warren. The kids are great (although quiet) but they will participate when called upon and give deep answers. It is a true joy to teach them each week and Warren and I feel like we are making a difference.

Anyway, enough journalistic ramblings for one night. Thanks for your understanding my friends. Life is good. I had a great day. I just have to add this one story. Last week I took my kids to the park. Of course when we go to the park we miss all of our little rascal friends from LA. But we looked for new friends and met a cute little girl named Lucy. She and Rebecca held hands all around the duck pond and played perfectly for a couple of hours. We said we'd meet them back at the park the next week. We got there today and couldn't find them at first. But then we found them and they (Lucy and her Grandma) were so excited we had actually come. They told us how they had told Lucy's parents about us and the dad had them write it in big letters on the calendar and circled it. And every day Lucy would ask if tomorrow was the day she would get to play with Rebecca again. So, we made someone's day today. And that makes my day!!!

It's not easy being green...

It has been an interesting experience being "new" at church for the last three months. Harder than I expected. Warren and I were established in our last ward. We lived there 6 years. It was quite a transient ward, so we were one of the "old timers" pretty quickly in that ward. Warren served as Elders Quorum President, in the Bishopric and on the High Council, so he really was involved with the ward members. I felt like with the exception of a few new people I knew everyone and was friends with many, many people. Your social life doesn't have to revolve around church, but when you're actively involved it sort of does as a byproduct.
Now I'm the new person and I'm not used to it yet. I can be outgoing when I'm in my comfort zone and I'm the one inviting the newcomer to join. I did that a lot in Santa Monica. But I can also be shy when I'm the new person and no body is saying anything to me. Right now I'm so low on emotional energy that I don't feel like spending a lot of energy on introducing myself. So I'm not really meeting people very quickly.
I lived in this ward from age 11-13, so I recognize some of the people that lived here 20 years ago and are still here. And my grandparents have lived here a long time. So I think some people know me and just assume I know who they are.
Today I took Rebecca to a primary activity. It was such a strange feeling to be at a church function and not know anyone and not have a bunch of people I'm trying to say hello to and talk to. But I was there for my kids. And when I go to church tomorrow I will be going not because I want to catch up with all of my friends, but because I want to worship and show my love for my Savior. And who knows. I might even make someone else happy who is feeling more lost than I am.
I'm reminded of my first big fireside in the Marriott Center at BYU. I was surrounded by thousands of people, yet I felt so alone. These moments of being taken out of our comfort zone, our familiar surroundings and the people that make us feel safe will help us remember who we should really cling to and stay close to. If we are close to Him we will never be alone.

ps to Trials

I meant to add and forgot when writing about trials that I've also often wondered how someone else's trials might actually be important in the grand scheme of things in ways they'll never know on this earth. What if a terrible trial like the loss of a loved one ends up bringing a family together that would have fallen apart (even if it wasn't apparent at the time the trial occurred that the family was heading in that direction), or a trial that one family experiences ends up helping someone else find their own faith again and consequently their salvation? I've wondered whether someday in the next life people will hear things like: "you had to experience that trial or your marriage would have fallen apart because you wouldn't have focused on the important things of life" or "I know it was a trial for you to watch that person have that church calling when you could have done it so much better, but it actually kept them on the strait and narrow path when they otherwise would have gone astray."
I know that I might find out things like: "You needed that trial so you would grow into the strong, compassionate, patient, deep woman that you became. Without trials you would have stayed small, impatient, and selfish, like a young child who expects to be given everything they want right away and needs to learn that the world doesn't center around her."

I'm still learning. A lot. My own set of trials has varied. Lately it has been some unusual circumstances. I'm sorry that my husband and my mom have had to listen to my complaints of "I don't know how I'm supposed to do this." But in turn, they help me put things in perspective and help me grow and become the woman I want to be. As much as I don't like the growing pains, I like the result at the end.

thank goodness

Thank goodness for gardening, for beautiful weather and time to slow down and just be outside in the sunshine. It doesn't change anything and it doesn't make any of your worries go away. But somehow it makes things better.

Trials

I've been thinking a lot about trials lately, at least an aspect of trials. It is my belief that everyone that comes to earth will have trials and will be tested. But I also believe that trials come in all shapes and sizes.

I was thinking about how for some people the event that is causing the trial can be very public, like the loss of a child or a divorce. However, some of the pain that the person has to endure might come from knowing that even though everyone else knows about the trial on the outside, no one else can really know what it feels like to be that person actually going through the trial.

But then there are the trials that are private, due to a variety of reasons. Those trials can be quite difficult because on the outside it might look like everything is "fine" and yet the person is quietly suffering deep grief, often all alone. This aspect of trials might be particularly difficult because you don't even have the sympathy from others who can say: I know you're going through a rough time even though I don't understand everything you're experiencing.

I'm not trying to say one type of trial is more difficult than another. Like I said at the beginning, trials come in all shapes and sizes and everyone will have them. So the bottom line is not to judge others when we might think that they don't have any trials. For some people trials might come in waves, deep piercing moments that are almost unbearable. For others the trials of life might be like a constant dull pain, always there, always testing ones patience.
It is good to remember to be more charitable towards each other and judge less.
I love these words from a favorite hymn:

"Lord, I Would Follow Thee."

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.