Earthly Pain

January 18, 2011



(Theo helping me sort through the baby clothes)

Today I'm hurting. I'm mourning for someone whom I've never met and will likely never meet. Someone whose sorrow I have never experienced and hope will never have to. Someone with whom I had a tiny connection that made me happy.

When my mom arrived here for Christmas a month ago she told me of a lady in the country they had just been living in who was having a baby girl in February. She asked me if I would be willing to part with any of Rebecca's baby clothes. I hadn't been fully ready in the past, but my mom expressed how thrilled this family would be to receive some pretty baby clothes and how special it would be coming from me so it was easy for me to make the decision this time. It was hard in the past when I felt like I didn't have someone to give them to who would appreciate them. Around here everyone has so much. I have had no problem giving away Rebecca's clothes as she got older, but there is something so sweet about the baby clothes that it was more emotional for me and I just hadn't been ready in the past.

My mom told me how she had told this lady (whom my parents had worked with for the last several years and constantly told me what a sweet and hard working woman she was) that she would be sending a couple of things from her daughter in California. So, we got out the baby clothes and went through everything, washing everything, removing some stains that had appeared while the clothes were in storage. I found that as I went through everything I was ready to give it all away (minus a couple of things like her baby blessing dress of course, handmade items by Grandma and so on...). My mom kept asking me, "are you sure you're ready to part with all of it?" and I really felt ready and good about sending it all on to this family overseas. It was going to be their first child, one they had been hoping for for a long time. A pregnancy had finally worked out and she was due in a few weeks. My dad was to hand deliver the gift tomorrow. I had imagined her excitement in receiving these beautiful clothes for her baby girl. I had imagined a cute little girl on the other side of the world wearing my baby girl's clothes. Seeing the clothes brought back happy memories and it made me happy thinking of this little girl getting to enjoy them.

But it was not to be.

Today my dad wrote to me that he just found out that she had just lost her baby, a couple weeks before the due date. We don't have details on what happened. I'm so sad for her. I've had so many friends lose babies for a variety of reasons. Each time I hurt even though I'm not the mother. Each time I mourn for those I love. Today I cried. Today I have been hurting.

I realize how unimportant baby clothes are in the grand scheme of things. But I get excited whenever someone I know is having their first child and it's a girl, because that was such a special event in my own life. I was excited to be a part of this woman's life because she meant so much to my parents. And so with that joy that I felt now comes the pain. But without a knowledge of pain we couldn't truly understand joy.

We mourn with those who mourn, but only to a certain extent. If we were to carry all the hurt and sadness of everyone we knew or everyone in the world we would constantly be sad. That is why the Savior carried it all. So that there would be one person whom you could turn to, who would understand your hurt. Someone who could carry your burdens. He understands my sadness for her, and understands her grieving mother's heart. He can carry us through it all if we will but turn to him.

Jan. 19, 2011
Update: I learned today the issue was the chord being around the baby's neck. It's so painful to think about the grief she is going through. Today my tears are dry but I still feel the pain. I'm grateful that I can pray. Sometimes that is the only thing left to do.

Motherhood and Music-a few more thoughts

There have been various articles floating around the last few days and commentaries on those articles on the subject of Mormon women and feminism and our role and people's opinions on the whole thing. It is a topic I, too, have my own personal ideas about which I would like to take the time to write out someday, but not now. I do, however, feel a necessity to add some post script thoughts to my last post, on music and the lack thereof in my life due to how busy my life has become.

I want everyone to know that I would never trade my motherhood for anything else I could be doing in life, even being a professional concert pianist or full time professional piano teacher or anything else along those lines. I made conscientious decisions along the way that led away from those professions and led to motherhood, my most desired, and thankfully received pathway. Even though it is utterly challenging at times and definitely completely exhausting, I LOVE motherhood and all it entails. I do think that the deep feelings that were stirred within me last week were just a reminder that I need to try a little harder to incorporate music into my life. It is too important to let slide by the wayside. I know there are many times I don't even listen to music when I'm doing something in one room, so that I can keep an ear on my kids in the other room. Those are sacrifices that need to be made sometimes, but I need to find ways to fill some of my musical needs. I have some ideas and plans so we'll see how it all works out. I have had a great week, getting out the instruments and playing with the kids, making sure I turn on pandora.com here and there and the radio, too. Those are baby steps, but it all helps. It's definitely not impossible to add music back into my life, it will just require a little more effort.

And as some of you gently reminded me, balance is one of life's tricky challenges and there are definitely seasons of life for a variety of different things. I by no means wish back my intense piano days, I just want to remember to play more than I have been.

Well, there's always more that could be said, but it's time to go.

Happy Summer Days to all of you!